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The Royal Wedding 12 months on: Duke and Duchess of Cambridge celebrate their first anniversary

Apr 29 2012 By Lynn McPherson

Royal Wedding pomp & ceremony Image 6

As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge celebrate their first wedding anniversary today, counsellor Anne Chilton, from Relationships Scotland, tells Lynn McPherson why the first year in any marriage is often the most important.

WHEN you get married, it is always a transition, even if a couple have been together a long time like William and Kate were.

They are like any other couple starting off their life together – with maybe a few more challenges.

Couples will often say that getting married makes their relationship more permanent and fixed, something that they can then relax into as there has been a clear public commitment. The royal couple certainly seem to be pretty relaxed in each other’s company.

But as well as making you more secure, there are also compromises to be made.

Even if you have been living together, there is always a thought at the back of your mind that, if things don’t work, you can walk off. But when you are married, you are together.

In the first year of marriage, there can be lots of fun and excitement, creating your life together and creating an identity of you both as a couple.

But often one of the first crises a couple can face is where to spend their first Christmas.

When you aren’t married, it’s easy enough for you both to go to your respective families. But when you are a couple, you have to make compromises. There is also a shift – even for duchesses – from the fantasy of married life to the actual reality.

Your partner’s endearing little habits can quickly become grating on a day-to-day basis.

The excitement of doing things for the second, third…40th time can wear off very quickly.

Putting your other half’s clothes in the washing machine can very quickly stop being a novelty.

For Kate, it must have been hard joining the Royal Family where there are some very pre-defined roles that she will have to take on.

On the one the hand, she will have some amazing opportunities she wouldn’t have otherwise had while, on the other, she will be restricted as to what she can do.

Kate is in a goldfish bowl and
had to think carefully whether
she wanted to put herself through that.

The fantasy of being a duchess and the reality are very different.

But I think she has done extremely well in her first year.
She had a long time to consider what she was taking on before
she got married so clearly it wasn’t a rash decision.

But it’s not just about developing as an individual, it’s about
developing and changing as a
couple.

They certainly appear very
comfortable together – they
look like a couple.

It seems clear that they have worked out how they are going to be together and what’s important to both of them.

How you develop in a
relationship is about your shared values and dreams and they seem to be a couple who are at ease together. There doesn’t seem to be any tensions between them.

They do seem to be a very nice young couple and I think we are looking at a different time and
age in terms of our expectations of the Royal Family.

Where they are now, I would think, is like any young couple looking to the future and perhaps thinking about starting a family.

The instrumental thing in any relationship is how you deal with the challenges. It’s how you meet them and work together that’s important – and they seem to work together as a team.

In public, you see them do that thing of checking the other one is still there but never in an anxious way, it’s a supportive thing.

All married couples have to learn to adapt to the day-to-day of life together but it would be hard to find a couple who look so happy and relaxed together.

Children facing family change – supporting learning

Coping with school can be difficult for children who are facing family change or disruption because of parental separation or the creation of new stepfamilies. These children may find it hard to concentrate in class or control their behaviour due to anxieties or upset in their own home lives. They may have to move house or change school and may struggle to settle in or make new friends.

It is vital these children get any additional support they need so they can fully benefit from their education.  Support can be anything from extra time to complete work, ‘buddy’ support from an older pupil or counselling. The school may be able to help if they know a child is undergoing significant changes at home. Regardless of the form support takes, it is important that it meets the individual needs of the child.

In Scotland, additional support for learning isn’t just a good idea, it’s the law. The Education (Additional Support for Learning) (Scotland) Act 2004 spells out the rights of pupils to get the support they need to become successful learners. It sets out the responsibilities of education authorities and schools towards children with additional support needs.

What’s my role?

As a professional working closely with families, you can play a part in making sure that children benefit fully from their education. You can raise awareness of the impact family change can have on a child’s learning, on the rights of children to extra help in school and of other organisations that can help.

How can Enquire help you and the families you work with?

Enquire is the Scottish advice service for additional support for learning. We can discuss any concerns about a child’s education and advise on possible ways forward.

We offer practical advice and information through our website, helpline and free publications. As well as our parent-friendly information in print and online, we have a dedicated website and guides for children and young people. You can contact us for advice or pass our details onto families.

Enquire Helpline: call 0845 123 23 03 or email info@enquire.org.uk

Website: http://www.enquire.org.uk

Shona reflects on the sexual side of relationships with two situations

BED HEAD

I’m a 29-year-old male and for the last couple of months have been seeing a really nice 25-year-old girl I met through the internet. When we first met she said she wasn’t looking for anything serious and I was happy with that. We have seen each other around three times a week, have been for a couple of meals and to the cinema and have been enjoying an active sexual relationship.

When I suggested last week that maybe we should have a meal with some of my friends and their girlfriends she said that was “much too coupley” and reminded me she isn’t looking for anything serious. So is this just casual sex? I feel ready to settle down, and we get on so well. I’m totally confused.

As can be the case with many relationships in the beginning, there is a lack of clarity around what each of you want. I wonder if when you first met this girl you were looking for a relationship and hoped things would naturally progress in this way, even though she said she wasn’t looking for anything serious. It sounds as though you really want to define the difference between a proper relationship and a casual affair.

Casual sex can be defined as having sex with someone you would not consider to be your girlfriend/boyfriend or long-term partner, and where there are no emotional ties. This can only really work if both people are in agreement and happy with this arrangement, but things can often become confusing when one person begins to venture into relationship territory. Does the fact that you now want to do ‘coupley’ things with this girl, involving friends and sharing more of each other’s lives, indicate that you are ready for a more serious commitment?

One option might be to share these thoughts and feelings with this girl, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that this results in her ending what you have at the moment. It will ultimately come down to whether you are willing to go with the flow and see if a relationship does develop, or end it now based on what she is telling you.

GOOD-TIME GIRL

I’m a 37-year-old single mother with a nine-year-old son. I enjoy sex and playing the field. I’m attractive and have a bubbly personality, so have no problem meeting and having casual relationships with, usually younger, men.

At the same time, I really crave a stable, settled relationship; someone to share my life and plan things with for the future. I feel torn and confused about what I want and rarely seem to meet guys that would fit the ‘long term relationship’ bill. I also worry that no one would want me now anyway. Please help.

Casual sex can fulfil our need for excitement, to stay young and not become involved in the emotional aspects of relationships. On the other hand, it can be risky in terms of STDs and personal safety.Casual relationships can also be extremely unfulfilling when someone seeks emotional intimacy, and what may seem like a good idea at the time might induce emptiness and regret later.

Some people are able to separate sex and emotional intimacy but usually this is confusing, hence the importance of being honest with yourself about what your current needs are.

I wonder if, given what you say in the second part of your letter, you are now beginning to have regrets about these casual relationships. They could be starting to affect your self-esteem and create doubts about your ability to engage in a committed long-term relationship. It sounds as though you have formed a habit you would now like to break in order to give yourself space and time to think about what you want for you, and for your son, in the future.

It might be useful to talk things through with a relationship counsellor, who could help you to clarify some of your confusion.

• Shona Manson is a mediator with Family Mediation Shetland

Bernadette Lynass on Childcare Issues. 

MY mum has offered to look after my daughter when I return to work. She is 69 and in good health but I’m worried that looking after an eight-month-old baby for four days a week might be too much for her.

Should I see how it goes or tell her up front about my concerns? I really don’t want to hurt her feelings.

A: Grandparents can be a fantastic help when it comes to childcare, but you are right to consider how this might impact on your mum – and, of course, your daughter.

Perhaps you might consider accepting your mum’s help for a day or two and make alternative arrangements for the remaining days. Talk to your mum now about your worries as once this arrangement is in place she might not feel able to admit that she’s finding it difficult.

Although having a relative provide childcare can be an economical option and give you peace of mind, it can be difficult if you don’t share the same views on parenting. Whether it’s going to be a relation or someone else looking after your offspring, make time to discuss important aspects of your child’s care. It can be helpful to write a list of the things you want the other person to know, such as your views on discipline, food and treats, and talk this through with the prospective carer.

When grandparents take on regular care of a grandchild it can change their relationship greatly; where once the focus was on having fun, their time together can become more about everyday activities such as homework or sleep schedules. Many grandparents enjoy this role and their experience is of great benefit, but some prefer being able to enjoy their grandchildren without the regular responsibility of looking after them. Again, talk to your mum about these points and let her know just how much you and your daughter value her.

MY SISTER’S KEEPER

I have been trying to help my sister out with childcare as she is working extra hours to cover her bills. However, much as I love my two nephews and want to support my sister, I am finding it hard to juggle this extra responsibility with my own three children. Should I say anything to her?

A: Firstly, you should be proud that you are doing your best to help your sister and your nephews through this difficult period. When looking after other people’s children it is important that all concerned are happy with the arrangement, and keeping in mind that the situation may have to change over time.

To take care of other people, we must first take care of ourselves. If you are feeling under pressure, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your situation. It may be that your sister is preoccupied with the changes in her life and has not considered that you might be struggling. Try to find a time when you can both sit down and talk things through without being interrupted, and gently explain that, although you want to be there for her, you don’t see the current arrangement as being sustainable in the long term.

It is helpful to be honest about what you are able to do. For example, you might be happy to look after the children for a shorter period of time or have them for a sleepover once a fortnight. Be clear that this is not a reflection of how you feel about your nephews but that the responsibility has become hard to manage.

Financial difficulties present a number of practical difficulties for parents, and if you feel able to give your sister a period of time to make new arrangements then this will allow her to properly explore the options available.

• Bernadette Lynass is project co-ordinator of Connecting Generations, Family Mediation, South Lanarkshire

I do all the work. I have two sisters and a brother – I am the eldest. We get on really well, but I find myself getting increasingly resentful and irritated by them.

It’s always me who arranges family gatherings and events. I’m the one who makes sure they all know what they should be doing and when to be places. It has been like that since we were young; Mum and Dad both worked and it was often down to me to arrange things, make sure homework was done and that they had their gym kits ready for the next day.

On the whole, I don’t mind doing it as I suppose I like being in charge. But now I have a big birthday approaching and they keep asking what we’re doing to celebrate. It’s my birthday and yet still it’s down to me to organise something.

It sounds as though you are really fed up of doing things for everyone else and would really like someone to organise something for you; for you to be the one who can just turn up and it all be done. The difficulty is that they maybe your siblings don’t know this is what you long for as you have always been the one to do all the arranging so they just assume that is how it will be now.

Families often get stuck in the habit of doing things the same old way because no one considers there might be another way of doing it. For things to change, things need to be different and someone needs to take the risk of making that happen.

I wonder if you have considered talking to your brother and sisters and letting them know that for a change you would really like someone to organise something for you. As you have always done it in the past, they will be waiting for a lead from you; maybe the lead they need it that you are not going to be in control of this event and that it’s over to them.

This will be a big change for them, and for you – as you will have to trust that they do it. The first step here though is to tell them this is what you want; it’s a risk worth taking.

I DON’T LIKE HIM

My older brother and I have never really got on. To be truthful, I try to avoid him. I ask after him when I see Mum and Dad and send cards and presents at all the usual celebrations, but I don’t really want to spend time with him. As he does the same for me and mine, I am guessing he doesn’t have much enthusiasm for my company either.

The problem now is that Mum and Dad are approaching their golden wedding anniversary and want to have a ‘family’ event: a weekend away for me and my brother and our families. The very thought is making shivers run down my spine. The last thing I want to do is upset Mum and Dad and yet I could scream with rage – I don’t like him.

It sounds as if you are still a raging child in relation to your brother. While we can grow up and develop our own lives and families, it is sometimes difficult to leave the echoes of past hurts and pains behind us, and they can rebound into our lives at the least opportunity.

Your description of your relationship with your brother sounds like two children who never sorted out their differences and reactivate old wounds and pains whenever they come into each other’s orbits. Letting go of the past is hard, especially when it’s linked to childhood. However, you both have the chance now to do something different; to openly talk about your problems because you will both want your parents to enjoy their anniversary.

Maybe you could write to him and say that, while you aren’t close, you feel you both need to make an effort to ensure the event is good for your parents. See what he says.

No matter who started rows in the past, someone has to begin the making-up process. Maybe you can relate to each other as adults and let childhood battles stay where they belong: in the past.

• Anne Chilton is joint head of professional practice at Relationships Scotland click here to visit www.relationships-scotland.org.uk

Published on Tuesday 20 March 2012 00:00

Would you like to be a Family Mediator? 

• Are you interested in helping families to communicate better and to reach agreements?
• Would you like to help children and parents, particularly those going through the process of separation and divorce?  
• Do you have a background of working in voluntary organisations, the law, social work, counselling, negotiating or similar areas? 

Family mediation is a voluntary process in which a trained, impartial mediator helps family members to communicate more effectively, and to make their own arrangements for the future, particularly for children.  Family mediation assists those involved in family breakdown, in particular parents who are separating or living apart, to communicate better with one another and to reach their own decisions about some of the issues relating to the family breakdown. 

Mediators can agree their hours of work with the Local Service to meet local demand and their own availability.  Initially Trainee Mediators are required to complete the Certificate in Family Mediation (Accredited), which requires a minimum of 250 hours of learning, to become an Accredited Mediator (see CFM Course Guide-CFM (A)/Course Dates on the Relationships Scotland website).  This enables them to begin practising as a mediator in their Local Service.  Accredited Mediators are then required to continue their learning and become Registered Mediators by completing the Certificate in Family Mediation (Registered).

Local Services affiliated to Relationships Scotland are

currently recruiting Trainee Mediators for the CFM (A) 2012.

If you would like to know more please contact the following Services:

Relationships Scoltland Borders

Tel: 01721 724 170 E-mail: info@rsborders.org.uk

Family Mediation Central Scotland

Tel:01786 472 984. E-mail: fm.central@btconnect.com

Relationships Scotland – Family Mediation Tayside and Fife

Tel: 01382-201343.  E-mail: info@familymediationonline.co.uk

Relationships Scotland - Family Mediation West

Tel: 0141-332-2731.  E-mail: fmwest@btconnect.com

Counselling and Family Mediation Western Isles

Tel: 01851 705600.  E-mail: Chris93444@aol.com

Avenue – Elgin Office

Tel: 01343 540 801.  E-mail: elgin@avenue-info.com

CERTIFICATE IN FAMILY MEDIATION (ACCREDITED) 2012

PROPOSED DATES AND LOCATIONS

Please note that these are proposed dates and locations.  Relationships Scotland National Office aims to confirm the arrangements prior to course beginning.

FURTHER INFORMATION

If you would like to know more about the Certificate in Family Mediation (Accredited) please contact:

Promoting Positive Messages

 We know that stable, positive relationships within families are important for well-being. Relationships form the building blocks of families and they are important to all families, parents and children. However, we also know that when relationships break down this can be challenging and can impact on families and day-to-day life.

 Relationships Scotland and Scottish Marriage Care are working with About Families to develop a new resource for people who are experiencing relationship difficulties. This resource will be an information leaflet which will be accessed on-line, or downloaded and printed. The resource will focus on providing information for people who are beginning to experience relationship difficulties and details of where people can seek support.

Please take some time to respond to this survey.  Your responses will help plan what information will be included within the resource. The survey should take approximately 15 minutes to complete. For those of you who complete this survey there is an opportunity to enter a free prize draw to win £50 Marks and Spencers vouchers. More details can be found at the end of the survey.

Take the survey here:

https://www.survey.ed.ac.uk/promotingpositivemessages/